It’s deflating being a parent. One day when you have kids of your own you will understand. As your dad, I don’t do the thing that makes you happy, but I do the things that I need to keep you safe and make sure you grow. But for those things that I do to nurture you, you think I’m the bad guy and don’t want to spend time with me, you just want to spend time with mom. It’s quite deflating.
I spend all day at work working hard, rushing to get home to spend time with you but when the reception I receive is that, it’s quite depressing. Makes me sigh a lot. I know you don’t know how deflating this is, but one day you will. It’s a phase I know, but sometimes after a long day at work, all I want is a little affection from you. But all you want is mom and always push me away. There is nothing I can do about that.
One day I hope how much we suffer for you,
I thank you for being my son, and I hope you forgive me for being a bad dad. I hate that I am so impatient with you and that I just don’t have the energy to keep up with you. I hate that when you want to play, but your mom and I have things to do, I just don’t have the energy/patience to deal with you. I hate that I don’t let you be a kid, and instead I just get frustrated.
There is a time for discipline, and every once and a while it’s important to do so. But I feel such a failure when I just don’t discipline, but just get frustrated. My frustration does not come out in a positive manner, rather my frustration is taking away what you like and restricting your access to it, thus making you upset. Or I let you get hurt so you will ‘learn your lesson’.
I am sorry. I hope to be a better dad, but they don’t give a manual on how to do it. Realistically, being a better dad, means being a better person. Showing more empathy, patience, humility, kindness, love, selflessness, self control, kindness, and the list goes on. Being a better dad, means being something I am not… at the moment. I think my selfish side of me still wants to be my old selfish self, and giving that up is not easy. I hope I can be better for you. I know you don’t know it now, but I hope you will forgive me.
Every parent starts with great ideas on what it is to be great parents. Activities they should do, ways to teach and train their kids to be great adults, and in their mind what it’s like to be a parent. But I find that all these great ideas just set myself up to fail.
I hope to be better for you,
I haven’t been writing, I know. But today I must write. Today, unlike other days, you were not sad when I dropped you off at daycare, in fact you were happy. So much so, you even waved to say goodbye to me. As happy I am for this, I am also sad. Not to be all dramatic over something so simple, but this is the first of many goodbyes you will say to me. Saying goodbye is sad. And when I see you saying goodbye to me, I just think of all the goodbyes we will have and it’s always going to be sad.
Your mom will tell you I’m morbid, and it’s true. I hate to admit it, but I don’t think I remember to live in the moment, but just think towards the future. Anyhow, don’t want to clutter this post with sadness.
Till our next goodbye – love always,
I neglected writing, due to two reasons. (1) No big updates from you and (2) been real busy.
So what’s been happening. Well we just returned from Albany New York to see your aunt get married. It was fun times, and you got to see your cousins who you never met, and may rarely meet in the future. Though your cousins were super friendly, you were shy. You didn’t play with them, but just watch them from a distance. I don’t really know what’s going through your head sometimes, but it amazes me how shy you are. You don’t talk to people you don’t know, but you just stare at them. I know you know the words, because after they all leave, you talk about them all the time. I guess it takes time.
During our vacation, we spent almost 24/7 with you. Funny thing is, it feels like you are learning more with us, than you are at daycare. You use more vocab and you talk a lot more. Maybe at daycare you are too shy to talk to people, or maybe there is a language barrier. I think it’s more due to your shyness than the actual language. But in time, I suppose you will grow out of it.
As I said no major updates…. and knock on wood it stays that way.
We decided to visit Hong Kong end of January. The decision was not easy, and you may not really grasp the weight of this decision until you have a 2.5 year old who may just have finished potty training and most likely would not like to sit on the plane for 15+ hours with nothing but a small aisle to run around. Add on to that, Hong Kong, as I recall is not too children friendly, and washrooms are not as accessible as it they are in Hong Kong. Also, we will take public transit, and travelling time takes quite a bit of time, and with your small bladder, that maybe a problem.
But nonetheless, we decided to take the plunge. We figured you will get a chance to see your tai-po, and your cousins in Hong Kong. Your grand-uncle (? – grandmother’s younger brother) will have lots to teach you. Did you know, when I was younger, your uncle and I stayed with him for a week. I don’t know why we did that, but we did. And we spent the week, playing video games and playing outside, while he went to work. It was a very innocent time. But it was fun. One day, I hope your cousins come to Canada and visit, or even stay for a summer. I hope to reciprocate the hospitality shown to me and your uncle for your granduncle’s kids.
Also, going to Hong Kong, you are going to meet your dad’s best friend. Your uncle Henry. He has two kids which will be about your age. Hopefully we’ll squeeze in some playdates so you can bond. I’ve already offered to uncle Henry that should he ever want to send his kids to school in Canada, I will be more than willing to house them. So you never know what the future may hold, they may live in our basement in the future for a while.
All in all, the benefits outweigh the stress, so I figured we do it. Most importantly, really is for you to see your tai-po. I do hope you won’t be shy and talk to her. Right now, you are basically shy around everyone except us and grandparents.
So we went blueberry picking with your aunts (your mom’s friends) and uncles (their husbands) the past Sunday. You had a blast. The wide open space and the freedom to pick and drop whatever you want. I knew you would love it. Although you were quite naughty in the morning, add on the fact that your mom was super frustrated compounded the problem. Nonetheless, we still made it to the farm and enjoyed the half hour we were there to pick blueberries.
Of course with all nature’s outing there is a chance you would get sick. And of course you did. It started with a little cough Sunday, but it turned on to a full cough Monday. Your demeanor was good, but you just kept coughing. We had to give you a few pumps of the asthma medicine and keep you at home from school Tuesday. Then luckily, your coughs stopped and you have been getting better. Whew.
The struggle with you is you love the outdoors. But you can’t handle the outdoors, yet. It’s tough, but we decided to just go outdoors, a little coughing won’t hurt.
Now that you are talking, it is quite amusing how you narrate your life. What you are doing, where you are going and what everyone else is doing. I can see when you don’t know a word and you just stop and look at it and find something you know how to say. In fact, you love books where you know all the words of the pictures.
Also, you started repeating what everyone says. I don’t know if you know what everything means, but in time those little brain nerves will connect and open you to the endless possibility of communication.
In the meantime, we enjoy you being cute :).
It’s funny sometimes what you find amusing. Lately as part of your night routine, you need me to do a light show (where I shine the iphone light against your tent, and I use your toys to make shadows), then you want me to end with some stories.
Now this would be interesting, if I made it interesting. Mostly, I don’t. Frankly, ducking into your tent is difficult, and it’s very hot. I usually do this after my shower, so it’s not very comfortable to sweat after a shower. Therefore, when I do it, I typically do a half-ass job at it. It started off as a good idea, where I put your teddy bear and other things there and pretend they are speaking to you. Then I try to use these dolls to build a story. That all happened the first time I did it. Since then I’ve just put these objects in there that you wanted. I usually do this for 10-15 mins with the grand finale with me eating all your dolls… I know it’s cruel.
Afterwards, you want me to tell you stories. Since you are fascinated with cars, I let you choose the what car you want to talk about. You usually want to hear about “dai dai che” (big car). So I talk about dai dai che. The premise of each story is the car of your choosing goes through the daily routine which you go through (ie. wake up, eat breakfast, play, etc). These cars also eat the same food you eat. At the end of the story, I say the car needs to go to sleep and makes this noise “Shhh shhh shh” and I see if you want me to tell you another story. Usually you want to hear two and then you are quite content to go to sleep. While I’m quite content to go on my phone and watch my shows.
What is funny, as I mention is how you find it so amusing. I have to say, it’s really boring stuff. Telling you stories makes me fall asleep, that’s how bad it is. But you love it. And since you love it, I love doing it.
I hope you never grow tired of my stories,